Dear Sky and Dr. Clay,

I would like to offer my sincere thanks for posting so much information regarding anger and aggression. I have a situation regarding a family member and am trying to see where she fits in and believe that I am a little lost. Perhaps I just need to re-read your post. I am most interested in your comments and/or theories.

Here is some background...

My aunt lost her ownly child, N., to a man who basically murdered her and her boyfriend. She and her boyfriend were 20 yrs. old and students at Purdue. N. decided to come home one afternoon during the week to surprise my aunt and to introduce her boyfriend to her. N. decided to drive "into town" to buy some lunch before driving back to where my aunt worked as an office manager at a vet clinic. N. was in the turn lane and did make a left turn when the light turned green. Unfortunately, she must not have guaged the speed of an oncoming, loaded, lumber truck being driving by a man who was witnessed to have accelerated and ran the red light and veered his loaded semi into N.'s car hitting the passenger's side. N. was Lifelined by helicopter to a hospital in Indianapolis. I am not sure how her boyfriend arrived to the hospital. The driver was interviewed by the Indiana State and local police and admitted that he intentionally steered his truck to hit the car because "the big rigs own the road". He also commented that "it was like squashing two bugs. I couldn't have been easier". He also reiterated his comments while giving his deposition. He was never charged for any crime nor even cited for running a red light. We have learned that he does have an IQ that noted him as being mildly, mentally impaired. The documentation actually reads retarded but I feel that is a "loaded" term. In addition, he did now own a license to drive a semi outside of his own state.

Yes, I probably have some anger and aggression issues myself as she was very special to me and was my flower girl at my wedding several yrs. ago. But, I choose to practice positive affirmations and utilize spiritual support and guidance to help me. On the other hand, my aunt is so very angry at the driver, the police, the Indiana laws, the driver's employers, and now her attorneys. The anger is also self imposed as she feels that it was her responsibility to protect her daughter, even at the age of 20. She does not self injure per se, but she does over eat, as a coping method she claims, and has gained over 150 lbs. She has also claimed that she eats to punish herself and that it is the one way she has any control in her life. Then perhaps obviously, she had made homocidal comments. She will look at the names, etc. on the various semis that drive thru the area in hopes that she finds the driver. Thankfully, she does have an excellent therapist and psychiatrist which has been of considerable help. She does have the diagnosis of Depression and PTSD.

I am trying desperately to put into words the level of her anger and aggressiveness. These are areas which she will not or does not seem to want to address. The anniversary of the event is always very emotional for her and understandably so. N.'s birthday is always remembered but she will not acknowledge any holiday or her birthday. Furthermore, she has turned her back on her spiritual beliefs and blames God for the accident, or rather, she has now decided that there is no God or Guardian Angels because N.'s life would have been saved. No one can broach the subject of God or religion with her without inducing her becoming immediately insulted and livid.

Maybe she is acting as most any other mother would. I have a 10 yr. old son and can not begin to imagine how I would feel should the same happen to him. I am lost in a bit of confusion of how best to support her without inciting her anger which is not necessarily directed toward me.

She and I have become quite close and have adopted her in a way. I just know my boundries. I have been grappling with how to categorize her anger and aggressiveness issues for some time now so that I can become a better support system for her. She really is more like a mother to me than my own (mine was abusive).

Have I missed a basic element in what you both have taught, or am I trying to put a puzzle together with a missing piece? In having studied similar cases, she seems to be holding so much more anger and aggressiveness.

Thank you in advance for any insight you may have.

Thank You for Your Work,
Peacemaker
Sherri