What you have hit upon, Elio, is something I've discussed with some of my Ts. Though I was an adult when my Mom died, (about 30), I still depended on her a lot up until she got sick. She was always there to help with her granddaughter, and to be there when my husband traveled for work. She was much more in my life than I am in my daughters' lives. I liked that and at the same was annoyed with her. So, in one sense, my relationship with her didn't change until she died. I was still dependent on her. I was never independent until my husband passed away.

So perhaps that's more the key to my issues than early parenting, though it was probably both. I didn't feel safe with an anxious mother, and anxiety is my worst problem today other than the attachment. So I am looking for what I lost when my Mom died. That makes sense but my Ts have all latched onto my other diagnoses like BPD and Selective Mutusism, and come up with the theory that it was something I missed as a baby or child. It doesn't matter anymore, but I see your point about not internalizing what I had.

Yesterday I told T that maybe I wasted 7 years with her but she immediately noted how much I've changed. It's true. I have learned to take care of myself, and have pursued interests I never have before. Mostly since my H passed but it was gradually happening before that too. I have more friends than I ever had in my life. If I could comfort those child parts I'd be fine!