I can't get another treatment provider, there are none that can treat this as far as I was told when I was looking for someone else. I have severe attachment issues so I won't trust or see as a helper someone I don't know enough.

I remember some, really few if the trauma, mainly the most recent one, that was psychological, I remember the last 8 months before I left when I became 18. I know there were physical and sexual abuse but cannot remember. I did a lot of work with my notes since all my ANPs like writing except the child one. One EP like writing and he knows others EP so even if I , an ANP, cannot sense or know them directly, I know that some EP exist.

Who was my therapist wasn't someone I considered my therapist and in case of crisis I prefer to don't ask him because he ended up making it worse. About ER and emergency number, I was told to avoid it since they don't understand my situation and are not trained to deal with trauma. Each time I was IP it traumatized me to the point I avoid hospitals, so I have the trauma before 18 and the one after 18 that affected me, an ANP, making me more difficult to trust and bond. The other ANP is just angry.

From hard mental work a lot of inner self helper fragments integrated into one, Exmachina, which shares helpful information between ANP even if I cannot see or meet the other ANP. Exmachina also help me with trauma after 18 and calms the EP and works like a second consciousness. He can take control of the body but he is a philosophical suicidal, anyway he cannot kill us that easily because some of us don't want to die that way.

I am currently depressed and wanting to be dead but not in an emergency situation.

Anyway, I guess I have no chance to bond with the world and people anymore since it was already very weak and all that happened after 18 destroyed my weak ability to bond still more, so I guess I won't be able to bond again. I am 20, my time is running out.