I know there are good and bad in every profession. You would think, tho, that if someone decides to go to school to become a doctor, it means that they actually want to help people, right?

So, back story... I self injure, have bad anxiety, and have been seriously depressed. I've needed to go to the ER a bit lately, for various reasons related to these things, which usually does need to be done in the ER. Sometimes, two days in a row.

So, I have an injury that doesn't seem to be healing to me (I know my body, but also have a history of abnormal white blood cell count), and I have been feeling increasingly nauseous, so I went to have it looked at and make sure it's okay. The doctor spent all of 5 seconds on why I was actually there, and then 3 minutes on how I'm wasting resourses, and how they need to treat the "real" emergencies and I'm taking away from that, and how I should stop coming there for non emergencies. It was like he thought I wanted to be there, not like I felt like crap and had a legitimate concern, or that I can tell what I real emergency looks like. See, when they discharge me, every time after self injury, part of the instructions are "if it's not healing, come back" and "if you start feeling worse or have new symptoms, come back." Perhaps they should inform the doctors what they are telling the patients, cuz that is what I did. Just following doctor's orders...

He had the nurse give me something for nausea and discharge me, at the same time, after lecturing me for 3 minutes. The stupid dissolvable was still in my mouth as I was getting in my car... I started crying, in the ER, and as I walked to my car, and sat in my car... you would think, with a patient that is obviously having psych issues, they would be at least a little gentler or more caring...

Now, this guy isn't every staff member there. There are ones that care, and that do try to help. Those are usually the nurses and the PAs tho. Another time I had *** treat me, he was also an M.D. I guess maybe they teach them how to be rude and inconsiderate in med school these days.

Here's my thing... mental illness is tricky. Some can ask for help, some can't. Some, it depends on the day.

I wasn't in a good place as it was, but I was gonna be fine... so basically, this doctor said I was a waste of his time, or that is what my brain (mental illness, anyone?) heard, which translated to I am a waste of time in general, to a waste of space, and it just keeps going... so why would I go back to the ER when I DO seriously need help? What if I attempted sui or self injured severely, to the point where my life is on the line? That doctor made me feel worthless, while I felt physically and mentally sick and drained, so why would I choose to go and put myself in a place where that could happen again?

It takes every fiber of my being to ask for help when I need it, and I still don't a lot of the time, and he just reinforced the belief that I don't deserve help...

I've spent the rest of my night feeling sui, and obsessing over how and such... but instead of reaching out and asking for help, I've just let it take over. Go figure, get told I'm not deserving of help by some holier than thou jack***, and I don't effing ask for help when I need it.

P.s. -
On top of all of that, I get home, and the toilet in my bathroom broke, and my mother (who I live with) refuses to call the guy out to fix it, because she doesn't want to pay for a full hour. So, yet again, I am less than a person... I don't even deserve a working toilet. She told me to just use hers, which would mean walking thru her bedroom every time, even if she is asleep, which is a fight waiting to happen, in itself. It's currently 2am, and not gonna do that. I can make it work, but she seriously thinks it is somehow ok to not repair the only other toilet in the house...