Granite, im so sorry you feel badly.

But - you dont feel that way when you talk to the mother, do you? Youre not in touch with those feelings then. You always think things can be okay, that you can rise above. Those feelings go into hiding and cause weird motivations and get all confused.

With your t, those feelings are pure and clear and uncomplicated. They didnt have a voice when you were little, but maybe you can give them a voice now. Give them and yourself a life now. Then they really can be put to rest. But let them out first.