I keep a diary on my phone. I was reading back over some of my entries and I noticed something in most of all of the days. It was some reference to being tired, exhausted, or needing to rest. I realized this has been going on a long time.

I'm not down in bed, immobile, and unable to talk. I'm not that depressed. (Although I've been there before.) I am able to go places, but I don't want to. When I do go somewhere, I am always half thinking of my couch and how I can't wait to get back to rest.

I had my blood work done last week, including thyroid. Everything came back fine, so it's not that. I thought maybe it was my meds. But my Rexulti and the Wellbutrin are supposed to be activating (I think) and the Lamictal I think is sort of neutral. I just started the Gabapentin a month ago, so it couldn't be that. And I'm basically off the Klonopin.

My guess is that is just some sort of low level depression. I also have developed terrible anxiety, which I feel is exhausting. I see my pdoc next week and will tell her about being tired. I'd like a better quality of life. And I am so sick of trying everything to get better. I don't want to meditate, go to yoga, or think of things I am thankful for one more time. And don't get me started on exercise.

I see two therapists and plan to tell them about this today and next week. But I doubt they'll have an answer.

Some friends of ours have a beautiful cabin up in the mountains and they've invited us there for a couple of different long weekends this summer. These people have a bp daughter and they know me well. They understand when I need to lay down. No judgment. But I don't even know that I want to go. Between my car anxiety and my loving my couch I'm afraid it just wouldn't be a decent time. However, that's not very fair to my husband.

I love my husband and he means well, but his idea of my living a successful life is my being out of bed, out of the hospital, and not sui. He doesn't expect a lot. Neither does my pdoc.

As I've gotten older, the mania has greatly declined and I can't shake the low depression. I can't even remember mania. I'd sure love a little burst of hypo. But I might give myself a heart attack.

Anyone else out there tired? What do you think?