i dont have time.. the luxury of time. And come to think of it, the better description would be like being on a rock ledge in the fog... you don't know if you can move up or down, it's unlikely, and where you are is misery... misery but "safer" than the jump.

i dont know.. i am doing a bad job here.. i cant explain because i cant put it online openly. i am being forced to make a choice about what to do, just not doing anything isn't a possibility. i have to make some kind of choice in one direction or the other... try to climb a rock wall that i have been sliding and tumbling down over, or leap the rope ladder that is hanging just out there.. cant reach it without jumping.

it's not that i worry about T laughing or betraying my confidence.. not in this case. There are times i worry about some of that stuff, but this time i have to believe in what he is telling me. He is not telling me which choice to make, he tells me what he sees and hears in what i tell him. i believe him... or i try to. i hear what he says, i understand the reasoning, and the "whys" behind it, but to truly believe would mean undoing several years of "stuff" that got me here in the first place.

i *think* i know what i want. T tells me i say it over and over in different ways and that i have been moving consistently in one direction. He shows me the examples of what i have been saying and doing. He validates the painful things i have told him.

He returned my call today to arrange and time and then called when he could be more free to talk to me longer.

i told him i had to believe him, that what he was saying was different than what i have believed for a long time. i said on one side i have one set of information that i have had for several years, and on the other hand i have this one person (T) telling me something different... and he said "..actually, it's several persons..." And he is correct, there have been a number of people over the past few years tell me the same things... but none of them stuck around.. none of them were going to be there, stick around... i think T would.

i just have to believe what he says is true...

do any of you think you're fat? unattractive? not as deserving as others? or any other thing like that? something that permeates who you are, that you wish you didn't think, sometimes think it's not true, but you can't stop believing it anyway?

That is what i have to do. i have to believe T when he tells me that what i have believed isn't true. i have to believe that the stuff that felt bad really was bad.

i hate being so cryptic.

But when T called me back he was wonderful... amazing. He was so supportive and understanding. Very kind and kept his voice gentle. He talked to me for quite a while, reminding me of the reasons i am doing what i am doing... trying help me find ways to stay strong. i told him he was my refernce point, like a spike in the ground i could hold onto.

i need to believe him but i am scared. This is a big life decision... i am afriad of making the wrong choice.. so afraid.

i need to believe him
i need to believe him
i need to believe him
i need to believe him
i need to believe him
i need to believe him
i need to believe him