last session with T was a tough one. i walked out of there actually mad. I got up and walked out without saying goodbye, without waiting her to walk me out, nothing. Then the child in my from my BPD kicked in. i wasn't mad. i was disconnected. i feel like apologizing. i sent her an email, asking her where she was. why didn't we connect. i said, "remember that time you called me just to see how my weekend went? that meant a lot. where did that go. where did you go?"

i haven't heard back. today i feel like she's mad at me (i don't know if thats dellusional or not) because she hasn't answered. In the shower i started crying! my thoughts were, "please don't leave me T, please i need you." and i cried harder. "i'm sorry T, i'm not mad, i need you please don't go."

i found out she purpously doesnt answer me emails between sessions because i am trying to "pull her in", and she can't give in to that. .

T, i miss you. i need you. please stay with meeeee.