I am still stuck. In fact, I am worse off than when I went back into treatment at the end of 2015. I can't find the right meds. I've been through 4 med changes either for tardivedyskenisia (sp) or because the med combo stopped working. A year and a half of therapy, and weekly DBT and PTSD classes have not helped to make any lasting progress. I'm discouraged. Not only am I still afraid to get a job, any job, but I am in an isolation rut. My teaching license has to be renewed by next summer but I will need to take 2 classes to renew it. Feels impossible to me. The thought of returning to teaching feels like I'm returning to war. Allowing my license to expire feels irresponsible and a betrayal to the hard work, anxiety, and the sacrifices my family paid for me to go to school. Lately I've been angry. Angry with my life. Angry and resentful towards my husband and anybody else who are living their lives. Lives with much larger parameters than mine, and with voices they are not afraid to use to express their pain, frustration, or opinions.
What is the point in continuing treatment when it is not helping? Taking meds that numb me, make me slow, affect my cognition and memory, make me tired, make my hands shake, make my hair fall out, make me gain weight, kill my sex drive, and give me diarrhea? I see my therapist next week. She is a very kind and caring individual who works hard at her job. I feel like I am the one who is failing at therapy. I feel guilty that I am not meeting therapy goals and making progress. Makes me just want to give it all up. The drugs, the therapy and the classes. My husband is frustrated. He doesn't understand why I am not "fixed".