I met this guy online. on OkCupid. I ended up going back on there a month or so ago. I'm honestly proud of myself for going back on there. It feels good. And I get to choose if I want to date so-and-so or not.

So back to this guy. We haven't met yet. We have talked on and off for a while now. It is really all about superficial things though, and I didn't really feel a connection. Then, it would seem to me, he'd fizzle out. He wouldn't seem interested. No messages for a few days. A few times I deactivated my account during those times. I have not always been sure about the online dating thing.

Anyway, I have had my profile steadily up for a little while now. I ended up messaging him "hi there." and then a day later, "have a good weekend." For some reason, I kind of have a little crush on this guy. He messaged back and said he was sorry for not messaging me back right away, and that he has a new position at his job and its kind of hectic and he works long hours. (It took a couple days to get back to me...I pretty much figured he wasn't interested). And then he gave me his number, to text him if I wanted, and said he thought I seemed really nice and was really pretty.

So I did. We had a brief conversation, this time through text, and again, it just felt...like superficial. He made a lot of jokes that weren't that funny to me. Just kind of like...he was trying to be witty and playful and confident and it was fine, I played along. But it just didn't...there's no connection there. And we haven't talked on the phone. Or gone on a date. It's fine with me in the beginning, texting though. I'm just wondering if I'm getting mixed signals. If a guy is interested in you, doesn't he message you in a timely fashion and want to call you? Doesn't he want to talk about deeper things than making jokes about musicians I don't know and just keeping the conversation light?

I think the main thing I want to say about it, is a feel sad. About it. I want something deeper. And on his OkCupid profile, he lists casual sex as something he's interested in doing (along with dating and friendship). It makes me uneasy. I got the feeling he was talking to other women because while he wasn't messaging me a while back, it showed he was online.

Last night when we texted, he again, fizzled out. This guy makes me feel insecure. And I haven't even met him. He leaves me feeling like, "is this guy going to ever message me again?" I texted him "goodnight" though, and he was receptive and said he hoped to talk to me soon.

Here's the thing about casual sex. I like sex. A lot. And it is tempting for me to just message this guy, and be like, "hey let's do it." I'm pretty certain he would be receptive to this. But from my experiences in the past with casual sex, they have been terrible experiences. They have all been nightmares. Even if the sex is good. Which a lot of the times, it isn't. So I guess I was wrestling with that a lot last night. Wanting sex. I don't want casual sex though, because of all the ******** that comes along with it. I think I just wanted to message him about it because I thought he'd respond. And I wanted him to respond. I didn't message him about it, to be clear.

Am I making something out of nothing here? Does this guy just want sex from me? Am I just a form of amusement for him? I get the feeling like I am just kind of, an after thought. Am I too eager? I just kind of feel like an afterthought and like, maybe a second choice. I'm not sure though. He said he got a new position at work. He has a daughter who he spends time with on the weekends (I only know that because it said so on his profile). So maybe he is just really busy. Maybe I'm just too available. And don't have enough to do myself. Maybe I should just go with the flow and stop focusing on it.