I think I am abusive toward my boyfriend. I feel like I can't change because I'm so extremely anxious that everything I do is a matter of self preservation. Here is what's going on:
My boyfriend drinks. He used to be an alcoholic. I live in Wisconsin, where it's socially normal to slam drinks back like there's no tomorrow. He has gotten alot better since I've been with him. But I am obsessed with getting him to stop which has led to be behaving in manipulating and a strange ways: I count how many drinks he's had obsessively, I give him the silent treatment for a day after I feel he's had too much, I avoid social activities where I feel drinking might be happening (which is pretty much all), make him feel guilty for drinking, lecture him on it, tell him to behave every time he hangs out with his friends, reinforce him for not drinking, and i just basically think about this all the time. I refuse to go out with him unless I KNOW he won't be drinking, or that he'll drink minimally.
I try to cut him off from his friends, because all his friends drink more than him. Whenever we go out with them, I'm constantly in fear of him drinking too much and I'm like mentally monitoring his drinking and getting ready to pull him aside and yell at him for it at any moment. I never enjoy going out because these things are always on my mind. I never drink when we go out or even act like I'm having a lot of fun, this is because I'm afraid if he sees me "letting loose" he will assume that he should drink a lot and that i won't be upset. In a way, I hold myself back from having fun just like I hold him back.
He does consume a lot of physical alcohol. On a weeknight after work he'll either have under 6 beers (and sometimes none) if he stays home, but when he goes out he'll have 10-15 drinks in an evening/night. On a weekend day he easily can drink a 12 pack, and i really try to prevent this from happening by using what I see as manipulative and abusive tactics. HOWEVER, he rarely ever acts drunk, even when he drinks alot. He acts the same pretty much except maybe a little more extroverted, which makes me wonder why I even have an issue with his drinking to begin with, since it doesn't really have any negative impact on his behavior.
Which leads me to my 2nd point: I have extreme social anxiety. Things have to be "just right" in order for me to be out socially and semi relaxed. I get uncomfortable when he drinks what I view as too much, also when he drinks he has a tendency to want to stay out with a group of people all day or night long, and I usually want to leave and go how after 3-4ish hours, most times. Also, i am quiet and reserved in social situations, and when he drinks, he's definitely more outgoing (when he doesn't drink, he's just like me). Strangely, I feel like i might even want to have a few drinks sometimes and "party" once in a while but I can't imagine doing that with Keith. I feel like that would be way out of control and the thought of him drinking alot puts me into a panic, and i don't know why.
I am concerned that I control his drinking and obsess about getting him to drink less because I just want him to be similar to me socially (wanting to leave after a couple hours, more reserved, completely in control and a little rigid) and basically I'm a huge introvert. I don't really have any friends of my own, only his friends, who I usually avoid because of their drinking hobby and my fear that Keith is going to drink to where I either yell at him or feel uncomfortable (which doesn't take much). I'm afraid I'm not respecting his boundaries as a person and essentially want to make him into being just like me. I feel sick to my stomach worrying that I have narcissistic personality disorder (I am jealous and competitive and insecure in most areas of life) and i have so much anxiety all the time and feel like I always need to be in control, of myself, of the situation, and of Keith's drinking.
What is wrong with me? His drinking is not really a problem any more so why am I so against it on principle? He doesn't even really act different! Also why do I obsess about it so much And what can I do?