My first signs of DID likely went unnoticed; I developed DID as a very young child and, as such, I grew up with DID. That being said, anything I experienced appeared normal for me. I didn't know anything different nor did I know that anything was wrong.

I was diagnosed with DID 3.5 years ago. I was in treatment for my eating disorder, among other things, and had struggled up to that point with dissociating. I called it "feeling out of it, being in and out, zoning out." The therapist tried to work with me on grounding techniques to stay present, but it rarely worked. They were frustrated as was I. But, no one thought it was DID. One day, during a group, I completely dissociated. I eventually stepped out, came to, and panicked as my notebook was still in the room. See, I had some idea that things were not quite right before that (which I'll discuss below) and was afraid that someone would find me out if they looked at my notebook. I went in as soon as the group was over to find it, but could not. And, in that moment, I knew. One of the other therapists sought me out, notebook in hand. Inside the notebook was handwriting that was not mine. It was written backwards and in a child's writing. She said she had often wondered if I had a dissociative disorder. I told her I wondered that as well. And, within 2 days, I was diagnosed with DID by a psychiatrist.

I guess I had always wondered if my experience was normal. I knew I lost time. I became so adept at being aware of my surroundings and using deduction to figure situations out that it became second nature. I compensated for my "forgetfulness" and lack of memories. I wanted to believe that I was just flighty, but I knew better. I remember knowing something was wrong because I couldn't do math. I couldn't remember large chunks of schooling. And, I always had these odd internal feelings. I felt small, I felt out of control, I felt scared. It was more than just a feeling. But, it was there and I tried to negate it. Later on, with the first person I felt safe with, I began to act out. No, not me. A small child. Perhaps it was then that I truly knew what I was dealing with. However, it was 6 more years before the diagnosis came. And, I had tried to reach out to professionals about it then. Unfortunately, they were neither receptive or equipped to handle such a diagnosis. It shut me down further and caused me to feel broken, crazy, and even more confused. In the end, though, I am glad my diagnosis didn't come from those first professionals. I wouldn't have been able to handle the diagnosis and it wouldn't have been the right time, place, or treatment. I'm fortunate that I now have a therapist and team who are supportive, non-judgmental, and willing to learn about DID, my experience with DID, and how best to help me.

There were always signs. But, they were signs that had become so commonplace that I wouldn't have known them to be anything but normal for me. I think, deep down, I always knew something was different for me. And, it was. But, it wasn't something that I truly knew to be true until after I was diagnosed. For me, having others recognize and acknowledge what my experience was was the most important thing because it validated what I think I already knew. It's hard to explain because the diagnosis was such a shock and made so much sense - all at the same time. I wish I knew what advice to offer you, but I don't have anything but my experience to share. I hope it was helpful...