Dear Current T --

I'm now almost 100% certain that I'm stuck in an open-ended background investigation for my immigration application.

I'm paralyzed with fear that it's not going to end well and I don't want to think about what it's going to mean for the rest of my life and dealing with my family and all that good stuff. To top it, I'm kicking myself for not doing something super basic like taking copies of all that I'd sent.

But, above all, I am realizing that I'm incredibly reluctant to talk to you about any of it. Your responses (based on the past) will be a combination of un-understanding extreme empathy (you understandably have no clue about the system and so, you'll feel like you need to overcompensate or something with a whole lot of overt empathy which'll drive me nuts) or questioning me closely on every single detail (I know you think using a logical approach like that might help but to me, it'll just come across as you thinking I'm being paranoid, when really trust me, I'm not).

Either of those responses will leave me feeling a lot worse than where I started. I'd rather pretend that you will 'get it' when I tell you versus actually verifying and learning that you don't.

And, I'm increasingly not sure how to keep showing up and talking about other stuff while I'm feeling more and more nauseous about this crap...

- AY