I am having an issue within my marriage and would like some outside input as I try to find a solution. Recently, I discussed with her some choices she was making that, in addition to being extremely unhealthy in my opinion, were actually putting my life in jeopardy in some very concrete ways. Most, I think, would argue that I allowed these behaviors to go on for far too long without addressing them and that has added to my current problem. I wouldn't argue that point.

Anyway, she has verbally accepted responsibility and vowed to change. I say 'verbally' because only time will tell. As most people here would attest to, having a desire to change and actually changing are two very different things. So, anyway, while I believe that I said what I had to say very lovingly, I had no doubt that they were difficult things for her to hear. Over the next few days I watched as she began falling into despair and self-hatred, culminating in her comment, three days after our talk, that she believes that I would be better off without her. That, btw, is about suicidal idealization not leaving me. In probably the toughest thing I've ever had to say to her, I told her that I agreed, but that I didn't want a life without her and that making our relationship one in which I would not be better off without her is not only possible, but completely within her power. Fast forward five days...

She began making some very obvious and completely out of character sexual advances toward me. We have a sexless marriage. I don't mean this in the 'once a month or less' definition of a sexless marriage but in the 'never' category. I've accepted this long ago. She has a horrendous history of sexual abuse throughout childhood and well into adulthood and she has not dealt with these issues. When we have tried (many years ago), I watched her dissociate until she was no longer present and frankly, I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with my wife's body. If she is not present, I'd rather do without. I've told her as much, recommended counseling which she has gone to sporadically, and carried on with life.

These sexual advances are clearly (to me) borne out of fear and desperation that our relationship is in jeopardy and in a desperate attempt to salvage it. I will not have sex with her under these conditions. Period. However, that said, pushing her away, even as gently as humanly possible, is only going to add to her fear, insecurity and desperation. If history is any indication, any increase in fear, insecurity and desperation will manifest itself in, if not sex, other unhealthy behaviors that will affect me adversely as well.

I could use some perspective, suggestions, etc. Thanks.