I'm a little unsure about sharing this post. But, I don't have anyone else to share with and really could use support both with my DID and associated issues. So, I guess I'll give it a go.

I've been working with my therapist for 14 months. I see her twice per week and have from the very beginning. I do have phone sessions with her on weeks that she doesn't have the second slot available. While it's not ideal, we do actually work on things and sometimes I'm able to share some things via phone that would be more difficult to share face-to-face. I like my therapist. She has always been consistent with me and I feel as though she does care. I think, anyway. But, where DID is concerned, I'm afraid to let her in. I'm afraid to trust her...

You see, the therapist I saw prior to this one really did a number on me. She was a specialist with eating disorders, as is my current therapist. However, she was not at all versed in chronic ED's and made a lot of assumptions and judgments that were inaccurate and detrimental to my care. Nevertheless, I trusted her and even shared my DID diagnosis (which was something I thought I'd never share). She was dismissive at best and admonished me for indulging myself and my beliefs about DID. She shamed me and we never discussed it again. Instead, she would tell me that I had all sorts of other issues which were outlandish and insulting given my situation. Over time, she grew inconsistent and disengaged. Realizing that I was effectively doing worse in spite of seeing her, I sought out my current T.

It took me several months before I was able or willing to tell her that I was previously diagnosed with DID. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me or that she would reject me. She hasn't rejected me and has been supportive in spite of not being a specialist in working with dissociative disorders. She has told me that she is happy to continue to work with me in spite of that fact and I know she has done research and reached out to other professionals. Additionally, it's my belief that it's not about what a T's specialty, but the relationship and trust that they have built with their client. As such, I'm not looking for someone who knows about DID - everyone is different with different experiences, anyway. In the time since I told her about my DID diagnosis, we have done some work. I have information about parts and how my DID manifests from my time in residential treatment. My therapist and I have done some early mapping and discussion of parts. And, one small part has communicated with my T during session. She has always been respectful, caring, and conscientious. But, I'm still very fearful of entrusting her with that part of me. I'm scared of letting her in at all where my DID is concerned...

I have been telling her that I've wanted to bring in 2 items for quite some time. However, I've always distracted from a more concrete discussion about what those items are and their importance. But, internal pressure caused me to continue telling her that there were things that I wanted to bring in to my session. Finally, on Friday, she pushed me to tell her what it was that I was talking about. I suppose I was afraid that she would judge me or think me to be silly, immature, or childish. More than anything, I was scared that she would reject me or tell me that my request was inappropriate. I told her that I was afraid to tell her and she assured me that she's never thought negatively of me. And, so, after much hemming and hawing and a request that she guess via 20 Questions (which she declined, lol) I told her about the 2 items I wanted to bring in.

The first was a picture that a small part had drawn for her. It's really just a scribble with her name and the part's name. I was afraid she would laugh at me or think it pathetic, but she was immediately receptive and said to bring it in with me on Tuesday when I see her. The second was a stuffed animal that was given to me upon my diagnosis when I was in residential treatment. It's a comfort for both myself as well as my smaller parts. And, it holds a lot of memories and emotions from my time in residential - including the attachment and subsequent grief I experienced once discharged. Again, she was understanding and supportive. She asked me to bring both the stuffed animal and the picture in with me this week. As much as I want to bring them in, I'm also terrified to do so. What if she was lying and really does think poorly of me? What if she thinks it's juvenile, ridiculous? She would tell me that I will continue to think those things until I bring the items in and see for myself that that's not the case. And, she's right. But, fear can be paralyzing.

Has anyone been through anything similar here? Especially as it relates to DID? How have you handled such a situation? And, how have you handled other situations where trusting your therapist was necessary in order to move forward? I don't want to let fear stand in my way, but that's where I am in this moment...