Alright, this is just.. I don't know, I don't know what this is EXACTLY, but if anyone has any opinions, ideas, I'll be thankful for them. I just... Felt like I needed to let this out.

I'm mostly on the bipolar or schizophrenia forums, but I guess I've always been able to do this "drifting away" trick. Yesterday I started dissociating (derealisation/depersonalisation, whichever) while I was out with my dog and then I realised it was because I am completely shattered inside, even when everything in my life is in place.

It's like pieces of a puzzle, but I thought that the puzzle was done when in fact, it was only an illusion. Maybe it was covered by plastic, pieces put into the wrong places, like some children's puzzles are when bought, to create the illusion of a finished one..

Well, anyway, then I realised why I was so shattered. Or maybe. I don't know. I may be overreacting. My dad always told me I was too sensitive, but I don't know. But the truth is, that they have never taken me seriously. They don't respect any decision I have made myself, without their assistance.

And I never got the chance to truly be a child, well, to a certain extent I did, but still, my mom was too busy working and I was most of the time on my own, entertaining myself with music. That's why I learned new languages. I listened to music all day long.

Then later my mom would have to resort to me as a "protector" of sorts, since when my dad was drunk he would hit her and call her names, but not me. So she'd hide in my room and cry all night.

What was the most dramatic point in my childhood was when my mom asked me if we should kill ourselves.

I was six, or seven years old, and I was shocked, but I didn't tell anyone. I have only told my therapist, but I don't see her anymore. But I think it affected on my personality so that I have taken friends with very serious problems under my wings, when I still would have needed energy to heal myself.

Myself. It's such a weird concept. I don't think I have ever been "myself". I have always been a different person to everyone, first analysing what they expect from me, and then being the person they expect me to be.

That's probably because I was picked when I started school. Not immediately, but a few weeks. They just needed someone for that. I didn't care much. I was overweight, and I knew it. Now I'm not very far from being underweight (according to BMI) and I still find myself disgusting. But that's an another story, it belongs to a different category, but it has contributed to this problem.

Two of my best friends were manipulative. I have cut ties with both of them now, and all the friends I have are.. Well, just my boyfriend and this one guy I've known since junior high. But I think it's a good start. And I'd seriously just have them in my life than tons of other people.

Sometimes I feel like I have lied to my therapists, I'm not sure if I have, sometimes it feels weird to have said things that they tell me I have said, but this.. This is the ultimate truth. I don't care if I'm bipolar, psychotic, schizo, whatever, it can all be treated with meds. This, what ever it is, is truly eating me, and all I know that it manifests in the experiences of dissociation.

Maybe it's a milestone of sorts? To finally find out what troubles you.