Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
Your boyfriend might be more accepting of living closer to your family, if he felt he could trust you to set appropriate boundaries between your family and yourself. It is possible to live right across the street from your parents and sister and not let them intrude wrongly upon your life and your privacy. But that means you have to finish the job of becoming an adult, which involves emancipating yourself from your family's control. If you can't do that, then your boyfriend is correct that living near them will be a constant source of strife in his relationship with you. He has every right to want to protect himself and his future marriage from the damaging impact of that.
You seem to be leaving it up to him to figure out how to not have your family making trouble all the time. So he figures it's best to stay the heck away from them. That's not bad thinking on his part. Only it's a burden he shouldn't have to shoulder alone. You should be the one figuring out how to correct your family when they make trouble in your life. And they do that. Giving you advice out of love is one thing, but you have described them as going beyond that and, basically, cooking up trouble. If you want to be a woman and not a child, you have to develop the skills of putting Mom and Dad and Sis in their places. If you don't, then you'll never have a healthy relationship with any man. Your family will always be in the middle of it.
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I can see where he is coming from in not wanting to have them nearby. They have been very invasive in our lives. I have made mistakes in the past like talking to my sister about mine and his issues (like some would with a friend). The issue always ended up getting worse and with her disliking him more. I think it's okay to talk things through with the right person but I learned it wasn't helpful when I talked to her. I think the damage is done as she hates him now.
I really do want to be independent from my families control and set the right boundaries but I am unsure how to do it. I am financially independent from them, just moved to a different state away from them, and chose a partner they disapprove of so I am trying. I really hate the lack of boundaries in my family but struggle with wanting their approval or being treated as if I need their guidance in life. I Want to make my own mistakes and learn things on my own and be my own person outside of both my family and my boyfriend.
One thing that really stuck out to me that you said is that it's a burden he shouldn't have to shoulder alone. He felt as if we all ganged up against him and that I will always side with them and that I did not support him when they were tearing him down. I want to be able to balance setting boundaries with my family and having them in my life.
Would you happen to have some insight on successfully setting boundaries? I have tried talking to them about things that bother me but it has never gotten anywhere.
Also Do you think there is any recovering from damaged relationships? (The relationship between him and my sister in particular).