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Tracy21 said:
But what if I'm not? What if I'm just playing a huge game with myself? What could i possibly gain from making myself upset? What kind of person does that make me

A phony, a liar, a cheater in my own life?

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Okay, I don't think calling yourself "a phony, a liar, a cheater" is a "gain" :-) So, obviously that's not it.

We are like the icebergs; not all of us is under conscious control of our devious little minds (thank goodness :-) so there are other things going on in your and my lives than what we can quite "see" and understand.

So, if you're not depressed but just playing a game, I'd have to say you are a heck of an actor? That's a good thing. I lived in a fantasy world of my own making for a long time and have a heck of an imagination and am very creative and good at thinking up new ideas :-)

One thing I use to keep forgetting is that I'm all one person, all of a piece, working together. I'm not anxious over here, depressed over there, only the way this friend sees me or that friend or relative. . . I have depth and am very complex. I suspect you are the same. You can be playing a game and be depressed at the same time. It's like whether you consider yourself wearing a coat as you're struggling out of it? Playing games is a means of struggle. It's a way to practice experiencing different ways of being, to "try on" different coats. Like this post and it's "what if" scenario, it's all helpful and all part of us and our "work" together.