Thanks Froggy, Turquoi, and Pach

Every little bit of support is appreciated, too bad I can't feel the warmth you are giving me. It's like I know you are there, but nothing goes to the heart of the matter. I can't feel anything except for the knowledge that soon the depression and pain will return and kill whatever is left inside of me. It always is predictable and sure enough it keeps it's word and returns with a vengence. I'm never prepared for it no matter how hard I try to combat the depression and panic attacks that sometimes co-occurs with it. So for now I feel nothing which I guess is better than all the other feelings. I will really need your help real soon when that happens, for I don't ever want to be hospitalized again. But it always happens that way and when I return the cycle of depression and mania return. Nothing to look forward to in my life. What a great way to start the new year.