Without going into details... over the last 6-7 years, I have had a gradual realization that being alive is more trouble and pain and effort than it is worth, and I can relate to your post to a certain degree. (I also have reasons why suicide is not something I would choose at this time in my life.)

I am confused by the fact that more people don't feel this way, and I find some relief and comfort in hearing those who do. I somehow find encouragement in books and movies that are grounded in horror or despair or pessimism. I guess this is because we need some outlet. We can not openly discuss it in our everyday social realities without instantly worsening our situations, and frightening those who care about us, so we are left alone with our negative thoughts.

I doubt I could say anything to help you in this small exchange, but your sharing has helped me a little bit. Just knowing someone else feels this way, and chooses to struggle and continue, is valuable to me on some level (as contradictory as all of this might sound).

(This is my very first time at an online depression forum.)