Very good (((DadFMF))), being able to see your part in the problem is VERY important. That is what working with a therapist helps with because in order for a relationship to work, it's important to take a look at what contributed to how it fell apart. And you are correct, this problem is accumulative and her catching you texting another woman was the straw that basically broke the camel's back. Then she was left alone for nine months to stew and was lonely and spent time with friends for companionship to help her sort things out.

It can be hard to listen to what another person is really saying when what they are saying "hurts". Often what another person says and does is reflecting the amount of hurt THEY are experiencing. I think you are gaining on your ability to slowly recognize what your wife means by what she doesn't want to go back to living like, you posted that in your above post. I think your patience has allowed her to feel safe enough to reach out to you and get close, but that is still very fragile.

That's a long time she was lonely.

SHE is slowly making decisions based on whatever SHE is experiencing with you now that is helping her feel "safe" enough to "try to trust you" again.