I'm so angry.I can't ever ask for help because my fear of possible embarrasment is bigger than anything.
So the only way is to continue this.
I don't want to go back pretending I'm okay.
I could stop SH and just nicely pretend to live waiting to die as I always have but I'm tired of this. So tired.

There is so much pain here...now I started cutting on visible parts. I know I will hide it, even in my most painful moments I'm doing it in a calculated way. I can't lose it completely apparently so everyone can be happy, I will pretend to be functional until I die.

Sorry for this.

Also, one day I had some scratches on my arm and they were visible and I felt so good and free that I felt people were looking at them and finally saw my pain. I don't know, all this might sound crazy.
I just can't take it anymore.