I didn't know where to post this. Maybe someone can relate, though I'm not sure this will make any sense to anyone because even I don't understand it.

I always end up feeling guilty and horrible after talking to my mother or when I'm there to visit.

She is going out of her way to do everything for me, she is obsessed with doing stuff for me, giving me stuff, making food etc. She "only wants me to be happy". She has never had a hobby or any of her own dreams or plans, she is living her life for me. She is trying to hide it, because I've told her that this is too much for me, then she started almost crying that "I don't understand." But never says more. We never really talk about emotions, she is very fearful, always needs to conform to others' expectations. There is a lot of shame feeling. She calls herself stupid a lot even though I told her it's not healthy. It's like my mother doesn't have a personality, she is merged together with my father.

I feel constantly guilty with her, I can't understand exactly why. Like I am a disappointment, I am mean to her. It's exhausting. I need to live her life or to live a happy life for her. I can't do it anymore. I wish she would have had her own life. I feel suffocated and I don't see any solutions. I have to pretend I'm okay.

I really feel suicidal because of this a lot, but that would devastate her even more so I am just existing because I can't live.
This is hard to explain and I don't uderstand it at all anymore.
I feel that the essence of all this is impossible to express.

I know a lot of people would want to have a mother who is obsessed with you but believe me this is not healthy in this way. I feel guilty now for posting this, I might delete it later. Sorry. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's just me who is messed up.