Sorry you're going through this

Have you told anybody in real life besides your therapist? Having a support system has helped keep me sane at times, even when I'm at my worst.

Is there a reason you don't want to go to the hospital? I know I've always been too paranoid to go, so I've never been, even when full blown psychotic or suicidal. The hospital is an anxiety thing for me. I'm often in the same situation where I know I should go, but then something holds me back