So I slept for fourteen of the last 24 hours.
I dreamed that I was drinking and smoking. I had a 26er of something sweet, around %25ish, in my right hand. Maybe banana ramazotti, something fruity. I could feel the sticky liquor drying on my lips. The bottle was almost empty, it sloshed as I held it by the neck and tilted it toward my mouth to swallow it like it was juice and let it warm my esophagus and stomach. I had a cigarette in my left hand. I was curled up on a couch just getting s#!t faced... and I liked it. I also had to save a baby killer whale, but that's a little harder to explain...
I woke up with a real urge to drink. I thought about it all day long at work. I even tried to convince my self at one point that it wouldn't really matter that much if I went out and bought a bottle of something like that and sat down on my couch tonight to get 'er done. I tried to convince my self it would be ok because I've been good, it's only one time. I tried to tell my self that no one would know, that I just need it tonight... just to get through the night.
I hate feeling like this. I can't understand my self, I can't figure out what it all means! I'm frustrated... I can't put together the ups and downs and make them make sense, make them form some kind of pattern that's discernable, so that I could say, with absolute certainty, "This is what is wrong with me. This is what I can do to fix it." And never have to think about it again. I don't understand how I can feel emotionally even, yet have absolutely no energy. I don't understand how I can wake up elated and think "Today is a good day to die!" I don't understand how I can be utterly depressed, yet not be able to sleep. I can't make it fit together. Everything seems backward.
My mind just races with thoughts, about everything... christmas, my family, my future, things that depress me, things I should be doing but I'm not, what to do about the doctor which I feel pretty hopeless about, which keeps me from even trying just in case it goes badly... I spent the day between piling boxes and trying to keep warm in below-freezing temperatures at work, shoving my feet into the electric heater in the office writing and thinking in circles, trying to figure out what is more helpful; unravelling someone's illogic to arrive at a similar conclusion by thinking in terms of their missing information and speaking as though I have the same beliefs in order to communicate with them better, or being blunt and explaining where I believe their logic is flawed and opposing them at the risk of not being able to communicate with them further... it's confusing. I have the ability to think on a lot of levels, and understand where a lot of people are coming from, while not necessarily believing what they believe, but talk like I do because I understand it. Is it misleading? Trying to reach someone... I just want to help, but I know I go overboard sometimes. A lot of this has to do with this forum. I worry about everything I write lately, how it could be taken a way I didn't mean, or maybe it really doesn't read the way I think it does... I know what I want to say and I just don't know how to say it... and I know I break the rules sometimes, talking about god and stuff... I explore everything... like putting on a coat, I can try on different beliefs and thought patterns, but still stick to my basic beliefs. I get my self in to trouble sometimes, I say too much or say the wrong thing, maybe I offend people and no one says anything... maybe I'm just trying too hard? Maybe I just think too highly of my self some times. Maybe sometimes I'm just too critical of everything!
ACK!
Sometimes it's all too much!
I'm looking for escape and I can't find it today. These are the days I wish I was medicated.
Today the voice told me to take my steel toed shoes home with me for christmas. Laugh, I know it's stupid.
So I know the voice is just in my head. I know there's not some cosmic force trying to keep me from losing toes this weekend in a freak christmas accident. I have to confront everything with logic and see it for what it is - a symptom of a disease. And yet, I will probably take my steel toes home, and wear them, for christmas. I will do it because I know that if something does happen, I will regret not listening to the voice as I have regretted it in the past. I know that thinking you're psychic and stuff is a symptom if a disease too, but like an audio hallucination that's right there in the room with me, I can't convince my self that it doesn't exist. And other people belive it too, which makes it even harder. How do I tell if I'm thinking illogically if others think the same? There's so much more I wish I could say about that, but I know this isn't the place for it. I should probably just be talking to a counselor but right now I don't have one. Sorry for rambling, anyone who reads this. I just get tired of being the only one who reads this stuff sometimes.