I've read all your posts in this thread and I feel much compassion for you. I don't think you're pathetic at all. You've got a lot on your plate right now and should pat yourself on the back for what you are accomplishing. You are slowly building and moving towards a better life for yourself. I'm sorry you are lonely. Sometimes I feel like that as well.

Your mother did you a disservice by telling you something that wasn't helpful or true. Keep making small changes and take small steps and before you know it, you'll be where you want to be. I'm here to support you and I'm also here if you need to talk. Best wishes.