About 600 km. Quite far. It helps but lately I feel the pretending and suppressing my thoughts more and more disturbing. I know it sounds easy, "just do it". But in reality it's not easy at all when you lived your whole life censoring parts of you. It's like there is a wall of shame I can't cross.

In the same time it's very painful for me to hurt her (even if I'm doing it already with my impulsive remarks when I can't take it anyore and I snap). If she was mean to me or something it would be easy to not feel guilty but like this, it's only me who is mean.

I know it's hard to understand. I'm sorry, I think I'll stop writing about this.