Hey all. I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. Please don't judge me but I found out my last love interest who I got in a short relationship 3 years ago got in a relationship. And I don't know why it's still affecting me after 3 whole years. I thought I got over it. I was working on myself. Trying to find new people once I was stable enough. But I found out today that she got a new girlfriend and I'm just crying a lot.

I'm black and I have heard too many times, "I don't find black people attractive". When you hear that a lot, you internalize it and you become very cautious towards others who show interest in you because you don't want to be fetishized. And when we were together for that short amount of time, she never really "showed me off" like she's doing with this girlfriend. This white girlfriend. And it's just...when you're black and queer everything is so much harder. I've encountered people of color (POC) who were anti-black, a lot of POC actually. And this girl is a POC but I should have seen the signs that she didn't find black people attractive.

And it made me think about how I feel defective and how I have to work through my abuse and trauma and baggage before it even seems like I can find someone who mutually likes me...but other people just find others with their baggage.

I've been in therapy for 3 years. I'm doing the work. I'm trying so hard. And for some reason I just can't connect with people as much as I want to. There's always this barrier. I don't know what's wrong with me. If it's a diagnosis that I've yet to get (because after 3 years in therapy I still don't have a diagnosis...)

But with this girl, the barrier was weaker but I really tried...

And now I'm just wondering if love is possible after years of abuse of any kind. Because it really messes you up where trust is concerned.

I want to believe it's possible. I've always been a huge romantic. But I can't help being really afraid that I'll die alone. It's been a fear since I was a kid and now I'm wondering if it'll be true.

I get so unstable that sometimes I wonder if I'll make it far in life, and I wonder if I would be like this if I wasn't abused. If I wasn't abused, would I have gone out on dates and have fun and all of that stuff? I don't know.

But I am hurting a lot.

Thanks for reading.