</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
i might try to view it all from an angle that would provide relief to others who may find themselves in a similar situation future-wise...

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Thanks again for the replies. They help.

nowheretorun - I'm not sure what you mean by the above quote.

And no, I do not know what my local law enforcement (NYC) stands on the issue. I've been trying to call various HIV or gay and lesbian legal groups for some general info/advice, but I so far have not been able to speak to anyone yet. I'm not at the stage of hiring a lawyer or anything like that - just want some preliminary info.

Susan - thanks for the advice. My therapist also told me not to make any major decisions right now. She told me that the first night when I called her, and it's great advice. It's now 2 1/2 weeks later and I still feel like I can't make even minor decisions. In the course of 2-3 days I've gone from wanting him and I to heal from this and be best friends again to wishing he was dead and wanting to sue him for everything he's worth (which is nothing). I can't even decide what to eat! Well, having no appetite anymore doesn't help.

I just want these mood swings to lessen. Last night was bad - dark. I've realized that I've become paranoid that he's in the house and is trying to hurt me. The last 2 days I noticed something in the house that I thought was out of place. The first night I had my friend over and we opened every closet and looked behind every door. The next day I was alone, so I grabbed a large kitchen knife and did the same thing again. I had a dream last night that he was outside my bedroom window. I told my friend about it and said "why am I so paranoid that he's trying to kill me?!" And as I said it the answer formed in my head, as she said it out loud - because he did! Duh, so obvious, but it took saying it out loud to actually hear it. Whether he knew it or not, he tried to kill me.

I have another weird thing happening. Every night when I go to bed I step into the bedroom, turn on the lamp and right before I do I have this image in my mind that he's lying in bed, dead. It's incredibly disturbing and makes the bed much less inviting of course. I don't know how to stop it.

So yeah, last night was very dark for me. My friend was over and tried to get my mind onto other things and I couldn't at first, but eventually we started talking about something other than all of this and it felt good to remember that I'm not just this event - this one horrible thing that happened. This doesn't have to define me. But then this morning was even darker than it was last night. Really, really bad. Then a couple of things happened in the late morning that got my mind off of it for a bit and my mood has since lifted.

It's just really hard to force a mood change when you're feeling so bad. I can bring myself down easily, but not back up. I feel like I have to play mind games with myself to remain positive, but I don't know any!

Seeing my therapist tonight - that usually helps.

But I can't wait until these moods level off...