Sky, & Turquoi

You make good points on all sides and I agree I will go through the distortions on the list and try to replace them with positive ones. I really want to stop thinking of what will happen to me, but reality is it will happen if I worry or not. I am unsure about so many things like what will happen to me if my husband leaves me after saying he doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't love me anymore like that. How long can that last before he finds someone he is in love with or attracted to. I wish I could stop time and make things all better between us, but all the changes need to start with me and how I perceive myself, which is pretty bad. Perhaps I don't feel worthy of his love being so overweight now and not completing chores like I used to do. He's a perfectionist and hates chaos. Well welcome to my world, it's full of chaos right now. I don't know what to do about my life whether to stay with him or what leave, I have no where to go to and no money to live on right now. I can't work and couldn't afford anything to support myself or our son. Of course he would have to keep our son if I did leave. My heart would die forever. So I stay in this loveless marriage wanting him to love me and needing comfort from someone especially now and unable to get it. Thank you both for offering me some shoulders to lay my burden on. If I could cry then maybe some of the tension would subside, but I think my depression med has taken that away as well. It leaves me emotionless and unable to express what I feel inside, which is so much pain and hurt that is inescapable.

My friend does provide alot of support and I do lean on her almost every day or so, but I do feel the guilt of doing that. I want you all to know I sometimes cannot bear to read some of your posts, for I feel the heartache and pain of each person and I take it with me sometimes. It's hard to let go even someone else's pain. I hear the sorrow in so many of you and wonder why us? So yes I do want it to stop and end for me and for all of you too. So many of you are so brave and willing to share your stories and let us enter your world just to let someone like me know I'm not alone in my pain. I want to be more in control of my feelings and able to do the same. I wonder where some of the people here get the strength to go on with such torment and pain in their life, but they go on and even still work and go to school. It makes me feel lazy like I should try and find a job, but then my appeal for disability would not stand. I really need the health insurance soon and I'm afraid by the time I am approved or not it's too late and I'll have to pay private insurance. So many choices and so many outcomes. The thoughts just don't leave me. Thank you all for your compassion.