You weren't unprofessional because you were neither working (therefore not tied into rules regarding a profession) nor were you crossing personal boundaries of another person. You were simply divulging information about yourself. You were not being obscene or perverted in any way. You did nothing wrong. What we hope for is sometimes different than what we receive but that does not making hoping for something else wrong either. If Thomas Edison hadn't kept hoping for something to transmit light - we may still not have light bulbs. Dreams can be big or small but they all begin with a hope and sometimes a prayer - without hope we would be lost. Losing all hope in everything is by far worse than losing out on all hope. See, if you lose hope in everything you will never again try - but if you lose out on all hope, you just keep looking for a new solution to make your dream come true and you keep trying. It seems you are intertwining these two thoughts together a bit.

You hit on someone and believed she may be interested in you - and you seem to have found she seems to not be interested in the way you wish her to be. This is an example of a hope that was lost.

Later on you say you don't care about sex but would just like some hugs and to feel someone cares. This is an example of a dream.

Now - your conclusion seems to be
"my hope did not turn into my dream, therefore I am pathetic"

But see, the truth is .. Your hope for how to obtain your dream failed this time. You can make other plans and set hopes in success for them, or you can choose to give up.

It isn't until you give up that hope really dies and therefore your dream ends. You are not pathetic - but you may be tired from being alone and working so hard at not being alone for so long. It's ok to be tired. Don't let that tear you apart though.

You say you can't connect with people - yet I see many of us here connecting with you and talking with you. Yes, this is "just online" but we are still very real people and our responses are our real thoughts and feelings being elicited from things you are telling us. You are connecting with us and us with you in that way.

Loneliness is a hard thing to deal with. I still say you should get a big stuffed cat to cuddle with when you feel a need for it. I bought myself about 5 large teddy bears at one time and used them for that. You can also try bringing your studies to a local social type place - like a book store for example - so perhaps you may "accidentally" become involved in conversation and/or friendship.

You are a wonderful person.

❤