I appreciate all the feedback from everyone. Sometimes I am concerned that my slowness in responding after someone wrote a kind, thoughtful or helpful post will appear inconsiderate. So, let me be completely self-indulgent and explain that my strength and health simply won't let me respond immediately some days, but it was never due to a lack of appreciation for those who took the time to respond. But then, you all never took it that way...see, I told you it was self-indulgent.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
I really don't have much to add to or suggest about your Herculean efforts as described above. She is lucky to have you. I don't know if you are lucky to have you, you what I mean?!
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I do know what you mean. So does my therapist.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
It is hard to care for oneself and also care so intensely for another.
I think it is helpful to keep in mind that behaviors that often seem willful and unhelpful often come from pain. I know you know that, but sometimes it is good to consciously bring that to mind.
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I am pretty fortunate in that I do realize that; so much so that it often keeps me in bondage. It is much easier to walk away from someone that is seen as unkind and selfish than it is someone who you perceive to be injured and suffering.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
I do hope that she will take your new budget to heart.
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As do I, but I would be very surprised if she does. Even a fervent desire to achieve something isn't enough if you don't have the tools. Certainly she can learn, but I think it's going to come on the other side of a failure or two.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
One possibility is that the awkwardness arises from the fact that intercourse is not going to happen and so cuddling seems a bit awkward or disappointing. So I am wondering if it could be explicitly understood and agreed that cuddling is the final goal for a given night, and that nothing further is contemplated--and if so, whether that would make cuddling feel more natural and rewarding.
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I actually have tried this but it's been a very long time. Revisiting and thinking about it as I read your suggestion though, prompted some new twists on it that I might try.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
I'm very sorry to learn of the abuse you experienced as a child. It makes sense to me that that experience would affect your reaction to her DID.
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Thank you.
I don't know if it was a typo, but just to clarify - it's me that has DID, she does not, although she is prone to bouts of dissociation.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
Well another perspective might be that there comes a time to stop trying and acknowledge that things are not going to change, and decide what to do on the basis of that acknowledgement. What is your thinking about that perspective?
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Completely valid and a necessary question to my mind. I'm an eternal optimist when it comes to people. After all, I've changed and if I can do it...
I am not there yet but yes, I have asked myself a few times over the years. Thus far, sufficient hope remains.
We talked tonight and addressed much more than was in this post. A few minutes from work, she called me sobbing hysterically. I calmed her down and promised we would talk tonight. A few minutes later when I checked my e-mail I found this from her:
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I am beginning to feel like all of our problems are my fault. I don't feel like you even like the person I am anymore. The truth is that I don't always either. I'm sorry about the hard position that I've put you in with the pills. I won't ever ask you again. I think you should leave me. I really feel like I'm dragging you down and I'm a burden to you. We don't seem to be on the same page anymore with anything. I'm sorry for ruining your life. I love you enough to set you free to go be happy because it's obvious that you aren't happy with me anymore and I don't know how to be any different than I am.
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I made a few points during our talk and it went something like this...
1. I love you.
2. There are also many things I like about you.
3. You hate yourself because of your behaviors.
4. You are not your behaviors.
5.
Sensations lead to thoughts;
Thoughts lead to feelings;
Feeling lead to beliefs;
Beliefs lead to behaviors.
You hate your behaviors so you try to change them. And fail. And then hate yourself more. It does no good to try and change your behaviors directly. In order to change your behaviors, you must change your beliefs - specifically your beliefs about yourself. i.e. you are unworthy of love and happiness.
6. You've been trying your whole life to change your behaviors and it hasn't worked. Dare to make a new mistake.
7. I know that you don't know how. You have a counseling appointment this Friday. Tell her where you are at. Don't hold back. Tell her you don't know how and need help now. Take her advice.
8. You want to add joint counseling? Say the word and I'm there. Want to take a month off work and go inpatient to jump start something? I've got your back - we'll survive on one income and screw the budget because if you are not okay, we'll not be okay. I am done enabling but I will still move heaven and earth to help.
9. Did I mention that I love you?
We'll see how it goes from here.