Quote:
Originally Posted by Olive303
Thank you for the information on setting boundaries in your other post! Telling people that I don't want to do something hasn't worked in the past so enacting boundaries with behaviors seems like a more successful way.
Do you always think a life partner is closer than the immediate family? And that it is unhealthy if they are not? He is my boyfriend, not husband, but we have been together for 3 1/2 years which is quite a while at my age. I am having these conversations and thoughts now, before I do make him my husband, or more to see if he should be my husband (as we have discussed marriage after he completes his doctorate program).
I think you are right about the fear of losing me as they have stated that they don't want him to "take me away" from them (mostly this means moving away). The issues they struggle with him I have struggled with myself before speaking up about them so it's not that I am only feeling doubts because of their opinions. I just wish I didn't have their issues with him cloud my thinking.
I want to find some way where they can all coexist. Where I have the right boundaries in place with my family so my boyfriend is willing to be in close proximity to them. Where they don't have conflicts between them. I am not sure if it is even possible at this stage.
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It seems to me that you're making this seem a lot trickier than it is. A life partner may not be a husband, but, of course, I'm referring to someone who is more than a roommate. There probably are people who place their relationship with some blood relative higher than their relationship with the lover they live with. That's not my idea of being in love with someone I seriously might spend my life with.
It sounds as if you would like your boyfriend and your family to all work things out among themselves so that you have no friction to deal with. That's not going to happen.
What issues does your family have with your bf that they are "struggling with?" If it's about him raising his voice angrily at you, that's not your sister's issue. It's not your mom's issue. It's your issue. If he speaks in an angry voice at your mom or sister, then that would be an issue for them. If they are saying that they have an issue with how he treats you, then you need to explain that you will be the one to worry about that - not them. They don't get to decide what you will, or won't put up with. You decide that. My parents used to have a saying, "It doesn't matter if we like your boyfriend/husband. We don't have to live with him. You do."
Maybe your bf has an anger issue that would make your life miserable. I don't know. I never met him. And I don't know you. His basic personality is probably never going to change. Ask yourself this: "If my mom and sister vanished from planet earh tomorrow, how would I feel about staying with this man?" You don't need to justify your decision to your family . . . only to you.
So what kind of men are Mom and Sis with? Are they each in wonderful relationships with flawless partners?