Dear J,

I am so scared. I am so scared. I am so scared.
I am scared not because you are going away on a trip, but because I FEEL anything about it.
I spoke with the therapists who run the group therapy that I am going to and asked if I might be able to see one of them on occasions when you are out of town -- you know, as a back-up therapist. They agreed. So, I reached out to set something up for the last week in June.
Only I immediately thought "But, I would rather see J... does this mean I won't be able to see him on the 5th? Because I want to see him on the 5th. I'd rather go without the back-up therapist and see him on the 5th..."
And now I am panicked because I do not want to feel anything about you, towards you, any sort of attachment...none of it. I don't want to feel anything... and it terrifies me that I felt something. That I felt a "preference" or... I don't know.
I do not want to attach to you.
At all.
I want no attachment.
I want to feel nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing.