Ok, so before I start please know that I have a hard time talking about this; It's something I've kept hidden for all my life and for good reason.

Recently I've been having some issues with conflicting identities.

There's no gentle way to say this so I'll just throw it out there: I am an infantalist. I have an attraction and desire to be a baby or toddler. This includes everything that comes with it. This includes all paraphernalia. Diapers, pacifiers, etc. It's important to note at this point that a) This is not a sexual thing, otherwise I would have put this in the sexual subforum, and b) I did not choose to be like this. Believe me, I have spent years trying to figure out why the hell I'm this way.

With that out of the way, this brings me to my main point. I have been having some conflict of identity; One one hand, I am the youngest of my family and I have ALWAYS had the desire to not be seen as the baby of the family. I do have the desire to be the adult that I am. On the other hand, I have this desire to be seen as a baby. Involving my family in this is a repulsive thought.

Whenever I have indulged in infantalist activities, I've felt this incredible guilt and invariably it haunts me for days after, however after the guilt fades, I have this incredible longing to go back to those activities. I know that this is something that is abnormal and I have the desire to just stop doing it, but I don't feel like I ever can, because I also have the desire to continue. How do I reconcile these parts of my identity? Am I going to be doomed to go back and forth between guilt and longing forever? I want to fix myself here. I want to balance out these parts of my life, but I don't know if I ever can. I would appreciate any advice or insight.