I'm really glad you're posting... I know it may not be easy for you to do ^_^
As far as.... worrying what will happen, and about the marriage. I wish there was some "magic word" that would tell the future... too bad there isn't but, all we can do, all any person can do is control our reactions to what happens in the world around us. That's a really scary thing because we often feel like we have so little control over anything we do. All we can do though is to take things one step at a time and do the best we can. Try not to worry TOO much about what is to come, even the 'smartest' person in the world can't see the future. Just try to get through the "now" and work things out in little steps. If you were asked to climb a mountain, a really tall one, it would be much better to concentrate on each turn of the trail, or step, than staring up at the summit and thinking... "AHHHHH how can I ever get up there???"... you can't know until you deal with each step on the way as hard as that sounds. That's much harder than it sounds but... give it a try ... think small steps.

You know, I've been enjoying your posts because they really make me think about somethings... you see bravery in some of the posts here, I see bravery in you too. To come here and open up to all of us takes courage... sometimes bravery is something not felt but perceived by others as such :P... I wish i could control my feelings too but well -.- again too much to ask *sigh* we're all human we must deal. I miss crying too... I ... haven't cried in ages and it can really hurt. (I'm ok though ^_^). outta curiosity, what kinda stuff have you been doing for fun if you get any free moments? (random I know)

One other thing I really want to mention... I thought maybe, you mention feeling guilt with your friend. Have you talked to the friend about it? Perhaps just telling her that you feel guilty , explaining that you dont want to be a burden but you really appreciate all she's done for you... would that be a way to help the feeling?

I hope you figure things out... it seems like you have a lot on your plate. Keep chipping away at it And keep posting too xD