ok.. sunrise, we have a lot in common then. i made some decisions today that make me feel sick and i am fighting the urge to change my mind, take it back.

i also decided that i can be a little more brave here, i just worry excessively about being found here. If i say anything identifying then i can't also be real about my feelings... it's depth or identity. But... (deep breath in and out) it isn't about my marriage but it is an issue tangled up in it.

i recently seperated. It's exceedingly complicated... in some ways horrific, and in some ways tender and tragic.. The larger life issue surrounds this.. and the bad news issue is meshed into it all, and yes, there is a deadline. Thats all i can say.

My T sunrise.. he knows the reasons i held out but what he can't seem to do is make me see the value of my own feelings and to put them first... ever. We have really just begun. My circumstances were a little more dire and urgent when i started from what you describe.. i had no courage left. T has his work cut out for him to reverse the track my mind has been set on.

with my T... well, the fears are.. some are practical. WHat if he is wrong? What if i am wrong? What if i'm exaggerating? What if he believes me? What if he is on my side? Then what? i dont know what to do. i could end up losing a lot if we are both wrong. i am afraid T will leave me, that he'll walk away. To do what i have to do i need a strong anchor, and i need to trust that he will be that for me. i dont know.. i dont know what i am afraid of.. i think if i were i would ask T about it

Perna, you are so very right. It took a long time to end up with this mess of a mind and i hope it does not take as long to fix it. The recent few years have been very hard. Very hard.

mckell and cyrano.. what i was getting at was what it would take to change that perception... if you believe as you do, and someone told you it was untrue, a lie given to you by someone else.. what would it take for you to let go of the unhealthy but safe lie to embrace a frightening truth?

i am sorry for all the cloak and dagger about this. i really am so skittish and afraid.

i appreciate the answers and help.