Nobody irl sees this at all. That or they don't care. Can I blame them? I'm pretty much a wreck. I feel like there are multiple "me's"
My weight defines me. Not even just the number, not even just the image reflected by the cruel mirrors that surround me, but by the weight I feel. If I eat, I feel like crap. If I don't eat, my grades slip...it's senior year and they're slipping it's....not good. My stomach is bloated, water diet, if I drink enough water my body will eventually expel what's left within. (I am trying to never use laxatives etc...simply to avoid being hooked on yet another dangerous habit).

I want somebody to see, to care, to feel with me. Or at least to slap me across the face and validate me--make me see that I am even capable of feeling anything besides "fat/okay/failure/not good enough". I feel like my friends irl are leaving me...abandoning me...I need them because when I know they care about me I am able to care about myself. without knowing that they care...I struggle to care at all. (but maybe they do care and I just don't notice it. I think i might be BPD...I don't freaking know. I jsut don't make my needs known to them...they cant' read minds...but I can't express it...they used to know though...I never used to have to say it but maybe they're waiting for me to say something and they notice something's wrong but don't want to pressure me...god I am so confused!!!!!!!), at the same time i'm waiting for the college of my dreams to finally send me their letter...to finally confirm my strong beliefs that I didn't get in. I'm sure it will say "we're sorry, you just weren't smart enough. if only you were better, smarter, we might have considered you. but alas you are not. sucks for you. you are pathetic." Within the next two or three days I should be receiving that notice. wonder how I'll react to that..hmm...god i dunno.

i'm sorry. i make no sense. i talk philosophy and explore the meanings in life simply because i know i will never be able to grasp them. i explore just to feel like i'm doing something meaning ful. they all praise me for exploring, for treading the ground that many avoid...but i feel like an outcast more than i feel any kind of honor. i feel...bad. for lack of better words. i'm failing again, i'm sorry. freewill...if you read this...i'm sorry. i feel like i'm letting you down..letting everyone down...letting me down...i'm sorry.