Hi Subtle Lights I am very similar to you I think.

I have friends who know how bad things have got at different times. I have a few very close friends who know I have reached the brink of S and one who know's SH is a part of my life. All of them have made it clear I can call on them or tell them if I'm struggling or feeling S or SH. Yet still on the days I hit that point I can't do it. I can't say. I can't reach out at the very time I know I should. I think it's because I imagine what they're doing - like are they in the middle of visiting their parents or having lunch or on a date or having a cosy night in with their partners/family....and then they get that kind if call or msg from me?....and I just can't do it.