Dear Seeking -- Welcome to the forums.

Many issues are involved in the information that you have posted. The only simple answer is for you to get counseling. Talking with a counselor will help you to sort through the many feelings that you have about what is going on. If your husband will go for marriage counseling with you, that also would be excellent.

Individual and couples counseling can work together. In individual counseling, you can sort through your issues so that you better know what you want to focus on in couples sessions. But if your husband refuses to go, please get support and feedback for yourself.

Best wishes for working things out.