its just that in this way, it feels like that;

i go in and out of different states... which feel separate from one another
may it be by thin or thicker amnesiac type walls

i cant tell or feel or understand the different states...
i just want to go back to the good ones...
i just know it feels bad right now, things feel strange

different... i feel different, out of place... misplaced

i dont feel the same towards things, my feelings dont feel the same, if i can call them feelings at all, or call them my own feelings at all

im feeling a lot of strange things that i have a difficult time describing
things that dont feel like they belong, things that i dont relate to and cant understand...

it just makes me feel bad, and i dont want to feel bad

i just want to feel good, but im not feeling good...
im feeling really disconnected and detached

i feel like im under water and everything is gargled

the speaker phones are all static because of the water in the systems

nothing is translating right

the wrong feelings are coming up for the wrong things

im really confused and trying to hold my head on straight

things have been really rough....
i dont really know everything that has been going on, because i've been like this for some time... and it seems like the longer im like this and the longer im confused the more blurry everything gets...

part of me is afraid that im going to lose myself entirely and i dont know what that means, im not sure i want to find out... but my fuel is run out and i cant do anything else about it im really at rock bottom and like... giving up or putting my hands up because there is nothing i can do, surrendering i guess...

one thing i do know is i do not trust those people at the clinic, i have to keep reminding myself that because i keep forgetting, dont trust them, they dont know or understand whats going on with me and im afraid they are going to make it worse...

they've already made it worse i mean...

i just want to come out of this, i don't know why i cant come out of this

i feel like im trying to come out of it so hard but something is holding me back, something is keeping me like this and i cant get out...

i cant fix it... i cant explain it much better than this...

its difficult to think coherently enough as it is you know...?
when your mind is all fog... when your feelings are all ****ed up...
when you feel like you are split into a million pieces...

my therapist couldnt handle me anymore, she didnt know what else to do, i cant blame her, i dont know what else to do with myself either