i read the entire article... of course...
but due to memory complications i would have to read it a thousand more times and keep going back to it to reference certain parts just to talk about it...

i have read about structural dissociation before i just try not to get in to deep with this because i dont understand it and i dont like talking about it because it makes me feel completely unsure and confused about too many things causing even more self invalidation and problems with myself that just seem to complicate my symptoms even more ..

i spent a long time with that therapist, i just cant believe its over .. feeling crappy
like i did not make any progress at all... things just keep getting worse...

i tried to see a new therapist on the 30th last month, that did not go so well... or maybe it did?
i dont know... he said the same stuff she had been saying though, just that he seemed to know more of what he was talking about - but he did trigger me into oblivion...

starting to ask me questions about things... fast... i didnt understand... me being the way i am, giving "automatic" responses...

i just remember in the beginning i told him that i was tired and had been trying to get help for a long time and he said something and asked if i was able to talk about things without shutting down, getting suicidal, wanting to hurt myself, going to the hospital, or whatever, and i spaced completely out and said absolutely and then it was all over

now im sitting here, trying to deal with this depression because im so upset about how things are going... just wanting to get out of this hole... knowing ... feeling like on some level if i could just reach a light switch i could flip it on and everything could switch over and be OK...

but im lost, i dunno where i am, i dunno where the switch is, i dunno whats happening, and i just want it to be over

its not fair, why is this happening?
it is not helping anything... it is not getting me anywhere...
it is hurting so much
stealing my life, my breathe

i dont know what to feel
im just an empty shell of what used to be full of vibrant posibilities...
void of all possibilities... nothing is allowed... nothing is here...

i don't want to do this anymore

i dont want to go to therapy... i dont want to do any of this... i dont want to feel these things... i dont want to NOT feel...

i just want to go back, i just want to be ok, i know i can be ok... i used to be ok all the time, maybe not all of the time, but for the most part i would be ok...
atleast not feeling like death... just feel like if someone could turn the lights back on... everything would be ok...

the doctors... people... the world... myself included... everything... everyone... has just been triggering me extremely lately...

and ontop of it, it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks a couple weeks ago...
which may sound ridiculous to some... but im going to be 28 years old this year and i just dont know what has happened to the time... i've lost 10 years some how... completely lost 10 years....
i guess i've just been trying to slide by for so long... it makes me feel sick...
its all just blank and i have nothing to show for it... and i feel ridiculously old... compared to being 17 years old... it just feels wrong...

****ing hate this....

its becoming more and more difficult to see the point in anything lately...

im very depressed...