eskie's right, people can do strange things in their effort to gain a sense of control.

It's important to remember what the person does and says because it typically reflects their injury and area they feel threatened and not in control. But not only that but also lonely and unappreciated to where things often revolve around the "partner" in the relationship.

On your end, it's important that you make the effort to step back and really consider what "your" part in your relationship history was. You have a good start with doing that, and you talked honestly about your tendency to be controlling and have a temper and that you did not appreciate your wife the way you should have. Well, what is happening "now" is your wife is showing you all the different ways that affected her.

If you were controlling and did not really appreciate your wife for several years, how can you just expect her to "just get over that" because you have said you are sorry and brought her flowers and cards and promises?

Personally? I can tell you that there were plenty of times where my husband was sexually selfish. Yet, I have to admit there were many times where I allowed it because I was just doing my duty and in reality I was not happy with him. Honestly, I can relate when your wife said, "that's just sex". And she has actually hit you with this a few times and I think it's time to figure out why that would be and be honest about it. You have shared that you show your love "physically", and she has clearly attacked that. And when "sex" between the two of you does take place, have you noticed that it's something "she" controls? With that in mind think about each time that happened and if you really made it a point to make sure her needs were met. You don't have to share or even defend yourself here either, because that's not important, what IS important is what actually took place. Along with that step back and think back on your history in that area.

What is important with this challenge is what you "can" learn even if it leads to a divorce. A lot of men fail in relationships and they genuinely don't ever learn "why". A lot of men can be controlling and can struggle with "anger". And they tend to look to "fix" and when they can't "fix" they get angry and stressed and a lot of men never actually learn what "companionship" really is about. They also tend to look at their wives as "their property" and they can be controlling and actually "selfish" not even realizing it.

Let's just think about something. It is a well known fact that the two things men want is "a good dinner" and "sex". What did she give you that night? A good dinner right? And then what happened with the sex? Ok, so let's just back track to one of her conversations that "hurt you", she talked about how this other man came over and HE MADE DINNER and she talks about how they sat around and talked, and then she tosses in this "did we have sex, yes probably several times, but that's just sex".

What she could have said to you is "during the time you have been away" I met someone who gave me companionship, and he made dinner and we stayed up and talked and we took the boys here. Then she talks about how she loved you but you were too controlling and had anger issues. So, it sounds like this other man is an LPN and she met him at work, my guess is they probably spent time talking about careers, the challenges of being an LPN and wanting to try to become a nurse because they earn more, but it's actually hard to become a nurse, especially now because a nurse has to learn a lot more than in the past so nursing school is "hard".

When have you ever had any discussions about that with her? Your input is that you have "allowed/given permission" for her to pursue a career in this area. So, with this in mind, do you consider "sex" something that is most important to her? Do you think that cooking a good meal is something that should be her priority? To what extent do you "see" her, "when she cooks a good dinner and the night ends in sex?". Is that your idea of "companionship"? Your wife was "lonely" in her marriage and that had nothing to do with sex which is what she keeps saying to you, but she tends to do so in hurtful ways that tend to confuse you. What your wife keeps saying in hurtful ways to you by "that's just sex" is that is not the glue that keeps a marriage working and healthy. It isn't about the two main things that "make men happy", basically through their stomach and sex.

So, she was saying something to you, and it left you puzzled. You said, she made a good dinner, wonder where the evening will go next. You got a surprise didn't you? So, looking back on that evening, "where was the companionship"? What else did the two of you talk about? Also, you are looking to get military housing did you ever ask her what she want's in terms of a future home? Just wondering if you even know what she may want in "her" future. I will bet this other guy and her friends know.

My input here is not meant to put you down but instead to help you see things you may be missing. It's about my effort to come up with some possible reasons behind her behaviors and for you to sit and think about the past in your relationship and think about "your" part in that picture and not just that you did not appreciate her, but how you can actually see more than just regretting and saying you are sorry.

The way your wife is behaving is she has chosen to "show" you what was missing and unfortunately, you are the type of man that struggles with "hidden" messages and you are not alone with this challenge.

I have a feeling that your wife is getting input/advice that encourages her to test you in a way that others want her to see what has failed "her" in her marriage. Almost like "try this with him and see what you get, see, I told ya".

Now, I posted a long post to you and you were receptive to what I posted, "you make good points OE" remember? That is what you tend to be more receptive to because I am not attacking you, and I am not attacking her either, but focusing more an what couples need to focus on in today's world. Both working, both having careers that provide them with self esteem, and both making plans "together" and understanding what they "share" with hopes and dreams of the future they can work towards together. The time for the man to go out and the wife to be home to "cook and service him sexually" is over. Women don't want that anymore, they tend to feel insecure if they don't have something of their own where they are self sufficient, that is what the common pier pressure is about these days.

So, in this relationship she had with this other man what did take place for her? They were both LPN's and I am sure he respected what that meant for her. They got together and talked about "goals" and she probably talked about wanting to become and RN. He could see that she was trying to do that, but, also alone because you were deployed, and she had to also take care of two children. So, what did he do that she has made a point to share with you? He made them dinner, and I am willing to bet that she put the children to bed and they spent time talking. And when she said to you, "we had sex many times, that was meant as a hit", because that must be something you seem to focus more on, "her cooking a nice dinner and then sex", when she experienced something different that was "missing" for her. She probably did not have all that much sex if any, I have a feeling she is saying that because you tend to focus on that part more.