i know, things have been bad for me for ever... its just that i have become really depressed and i cant get myself out of it...

depressed about being like this, about my life, feeling like i can't change anything, feeling stuck and like its never going to get better, hopeless

i think coming off of the cymbalta was a horrible thing/idea and i need to get back on it and i want to get off the saphris and just get back on the abilify because the saphris isnt doing anything anyway and the old medications if they were or were not helping atleast i wasnt feeling as bad... if that makes sense...

medications have never really done much for me anyway and i have tried a lot of them so i have pretty much lost faith that any medication is going to really help very much... so i just want to go back to what had me semi stable... chaotically stable....

i dont know why she took me off of the cymbalta...

i have really hard time with memory so im sorry about that... i dont know whats wrong with my memory

i live life from a now perspective and cant put myself in a perspective of past or future... i have flashbacks instead... i get detached and zone out instead... i "disappear"...
i see the world from inside a bubble... everything happening all at once...
does that make sense?
so its difficult for me to have retrospect... such to review my self... past.. events... happenings... i dont understand it and it really bothers me...
but i automatically block it out most of the time and just float through...

i know you keep saying trust these people, listen to them, do what they say, talk to them, and i have been trying for a long time...

but i feel like they just are not listening to me...

i am trying so hard to change... i dont know what i am doing wrong...
what am i doing wrong? maybe it is all my fault...
its gotta be all my fault... because its just not getting better
i just dont see how going to a hospital is going to help at all really...
im feeling better from the other week... just still depressed about all of this
but im going to get back on the antidepressant next week and hopefully that will make it a little better with a little time...

its not an easy thing deciding to go to the hospital...
its not fun being in the hospital...
you know...

the new therapist i saw really triggered me bad... and i just dont know if i can do any more therapy right now... i dont know if therapy is good for me right now... i dont know...
i dont want to go see any more new people... i just feel so tired of dealing with this stuff and having to deal with the people that are supposed to be helping me... ya know? i just need a break.. i need a vacation.. i need to breathe, i want to get away from it all but i cant escape; thats what it feels like

its not that i want them to say this, or do that, just to make me feel special or a certain way... its that i feel like every single person i have talked to has really not heard me... that new therapist guy seemed like he understood but he triggered me so bad i dont really know if i want to go back to him

its scary and i feel like i just dont want to uncover any more painful feelings, i just want to leave it all alone and go back to the way things were so i can pretend to be ok and happy...

because i just see a long long painful dark cold road

i am having a lot of conflicting emotions, feelings, thoughts and stuff going on...
do this, dont do it, do it, dont do it, i end up just freezing... with those thoughts racing through my mind... fighting... im losing myself

im losing the war, the battle, i feel like im losing
you know?
i just keep feeling like there is no hope.. probably because of these people i have to "rely" on... and the treatment that i am receiving...

or maybe because i just keep failing to do anything right...

its just that you keep saying to trust them, but i tried to and it has not been working... things are just getting worse so i dont know what to do, its not fair

anyway... i read... a lot... i guess just sometimes i end up reading about things some people think i shouldnt be reading about...

psychology... demonology... magic... paranormal... whatever...
i try to keep my mind stimulated to keep it off of the other stuff... so that i dont start thinking about how i am so detached... how i feel so strange... how i cant remember my past... or who i am... what i am... or what i want even... what i like... whatever...
i try hard, i try really hard..... atleast i feel like i try hard... maybe im not trying at all and im just lieing to myself...
i feel really tired, really exhausted... i've been doing this for a long time and i feel like i just want to give up but if i give up then im not sure what will happen, my mind gets weird when i let it idle...
i start to realize alot of things going on around me or inside and i dont like it... and i guess thats whats been happening lately because i've been in that giving up type mood or whatever because im so depressed

i dont know, im really feeling like giving up...

like throwing away the entire old person inside and outside... killing it all...
just letting it die... and reborn from the ashes a person that just doesnt give a **** about this ****... because i feel like im losing myself anyway, maybe i should just let go and let it all die... or whatever will happen to it

i doubt anyone will understand what i mean... its just a feeling i have inside...
i cant explain it.. i dont know where im at in there, in the body, mind... or the person i was... but im about to just say **** it all... let the mother ****er burn,

ill stop talking now, no point really in saying anything