this is where i get all weird

because i live in this moment, such ebb and flow
there is no time
there is no passage of time
there is no me
but there are many versions of me
there are no memories
there are no communications
there is just blackness
a deafening silence
a painful numbness
an overflowing emptiness
a contradicting existence

so i have to go through this ****
i have to feel all this ****
its just ****
****ing ****
not my **** but its **** on my shoe for sure

without being able to communicate to my self
without being smart enough to leave notes for myself
so i just don't know whats going on most of the time
like a little baby confused and hurting wondering what the hell

im using such language because it emphasizes what i mean
so im sorry if it offends anyone, but my existence offends my own self

what i can't understand, what confuses the hell out of me is how..?
puzzles always get me, i always get sucked in by them and i hate it because i end up getting obsessed until i figure it out - this is one puzzle that i can't figure out and im really trying to say **** it, **** it i dont care, i really dont care anymore

it obviously doesnt matter, its not going to change one thing for me to figure it out
its just my obsessive behavior... its just the confusion... its just the feeling lost all the time... its just not knowing whats going on... its just feeling so mixed up and scrambled inside my own head... that i want to sort all out so that it will go away so that maybe i can be normal, but it will never go away

maybe i will never be normal, so why spend so much large amounts of energy on all this

im soooooooo tired of it

oh man if people could just see or hear the stuff that goes on inside of me
because i do not understand it, i cant discern what is going on inside, i cant filter through everything, i cant tell my own thoughts apart from my own thoughts from my own thoughts from my own thoughts. and yes its that redundant... i feel tormented, i used to think that god hated me and started to think that maybe demons were with me, but now i dont believe in god or demons or anything, i dont believe in anything anymore... i dont even know if the world is real, if life is real, if i am real, if anything is real - what is it, what argh, arguing with myself


it pisses me off... i dunno if it makes me angry because i try to tell people and i cant or if i try to talk to myself about it and it doesnt help or if i try to figure it out and i cant or if its just everything all together... i dunno

i just want it to stop, i try to ignore it ... it gets worse
i try to focus on it and it gets worse
i try to do nothing at all and i just fall apart

so now im gonna try something different, cause im pissed and really tired of this stuff going on

just gonna tell everything and everyone of the thoughts and voices and words and pictures and flashbacks in my head to shut the **** up

this is my head, as far as i know, and im gonna keep it that way

makes perfect sense to me, nothing else works so maybe they'll listen to that, after all its what i've listened to my entire life, so maybe it will work on the inside just as well

atleast im not SAD