Cheating has a lot to do with "self" and is often chosen as a "fix" to one's own emotional challenges rather than actually working through the challenge and confusing deep emotional battle. It's also not unusual for alcohol to also play a role in pushing away emotions rather than working through them.

Actually, when someone begins the journey to stop using alcohol and working on dealing with their issues through AA one of the strong suggestions is "no" relationships for at least a year so the person doesn't avoid getting to their own issues and gaining on a true resolve first.

In my opinion, I think your wife is running away from her own emotional confusion that slowly developed over the past ten years until she reached that breaking point. Affairs, these friends with benefits, and the alcohol is not going to "fix" her problem and can even cause her even more emotional confusion.

She can't "just" commit to you either because she needs to spend time working through her own issues. And her problems and the way she is trying to solve them is now hurting you, and you have reached out for therapy and support and as far as I know you have not been cheating or drinking to escape.

As for you, there are lessons to be learned in this big relationship challenge and the part you contributed to it that only "you" can learn to slowly change so you don't repeat the behavior that contributed to your marriage/relationship problem.

Sometimes, there is just too much damage and the relationship is simply not salvageable, and the ability to trust again evaporates. That is something "you" have to decide. That being said, if you do choose to divorce, you will still have to find a way to be civil with her because you will be forever connected in that you do share your two children together.