Hey guys, I haven't been around here for a few weeks, but I'm back again, and with no improvement.

So, life is still incredibly stressful for me, and I always find myself waking up in the morning in a bad mood simply because it's a new day to deal with. That's how yesterday started.

I got a phone call from a girl who stopped talking to me for a month, and she acted like everything was normal, which freaked me out. Then I was really busy with all the usual %#@&#! and I didn't have any time to sit down and just chill until that night.

So, after a tough day, a few friends and I got a fifth of vodka and downed it in well under an hour. Then some of them went out to a club I think is lame, and the rest of us stayed back, drank some more, and then smoked. So last night I had maybe 40% of a fifth of vodka in a short time, and then I smoke a pack and a half afterwards.

Sounds like I'm just laying everything out in a list, but here's the rest. Somewhere around my fifth or sixth cigarette, still quite inebriated, I came to a realization. I was happy. I wasn't worrying about anything, I wasn't thinking about all the terrible things going on in my life. I was with my friends, just hanging out, laughing about things. I don't smile when I'm sober, I don't remember the last time I did. But when I cloud my mind with alcohol and tobacco and whatever else I find, that's when I'm happy.

I'm here this morning because I've woken up, and realized how much life sucks again. The only good thing right now is that I talked ot those friends this morning and we laughed about how awesome last night was.

What I don't understand is how to make my day right, my life right, everything right for real. Right now the times of life that I like are the times where I'm not really thinking about my actual life, I'm in a different dimension.