I'm going to finally say this aloud to you all, and please don't laugh or make light of the grief I have gone through and still go through about this, but I have to share it with someone because holding it inside is killing me. And I'm just too afraid to share it with anyone in person.

When I ended up having to be hospitalized back in 2014 and had to stop working, went on disability, etc. I eventually decided to move back closer to my family. Part of that capitulation was that I had to rehome my Great Dane, Blue. I found him a lovely family with some children for him to protect that he bonded with instantly. I have checked up on him a few times in the first year but now I leave them be. Although I do want to see him and now how he's doing. But he's their dog now. Sometimes I wish they would call and say they need me to take him back, but that won't happen.

So I feel this grief and loss already about having to part with him. He was a trained service dog (he and my other SD had different roles) and he was so unique and wonderful, he was my baby. And then it wasn't even that he was dead. He was in the world, being happy and cared for without me. I can barely think about it, to this day, that he is happy somewhere, being loved, and not by me.

The other part, that makes my brain entirely shut down...and I mean, I actually was suicidal over this and had to be hospitalized for the depression and grief...is that I do believe that when we die, we meet all our pets who left this earth before us and get to see them and be with them again. But Blue isn't mine anymore. He belongs to this other family and these girls. When he dies, he will wait for them at the Rainbow Bridge, not me. Even now, I'm starting to sob thinking about it. Every time I even remotely think about this idea I start to cry. I try to not think about it, but it's holding me back to not be able to accept he's gone, and I won't see him again even when I cross over.

It's so hard for me because my father murdered my dogs growing up and wouldn't let me be there to help them cross over. And I had to rehome Blue because of him.

I just think about when I die, and when I cross through the clearing and come to the bridge and cross over, all the friends I will see who have been waiting for me, and he won't be there...I just can't take it. Every time I think about, I start to have suicidal ideations (but don't worry, I'm safe and okay).

This affects me so much, if it catches me off guard or the topic comes up that's even remotely close, I start to lose it and have to excuse myself.

My dogs are the only people in my life who have given me unconditional love and loved me above everyone else and are always there for me. I could never rely on any human being.

I was so worried when I became a foster that I wouldn't be able to handle it... but I actually was fine with it, until Fish came along and we bonded so closely, I had to keep him.

I don't know why I feel so differently about Blue than I do about any other dog I've owned. Even if Astro went to another family, I know he'd be there for me at the bridge. Same with Fish. But for some reason I know Blue won't be. And that just destroys me.

Please don't laugh or think I'm silly. This has caused me such a tremendous amount of pain, and I haven't shared it with anyone, not even a therapist, and it is one of the major factors of my depression right now.

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