I read some of your past posts about this, and you don't want to be in this relationship (from what I understand), you can't find it in yourself to leave, but you also don't want him to leave you. Do I have that right?

I think that some of us just can't stand being "left"....it's like maybe we're not good enough or we did something wrong or we're a disappointment. We don't want anybody to dislike us. It's always our fault and we beat ourselves up when we fail. No matter how much the relationship hurts, the thought that we messed up hurts MORE.

Maybe that's why your anxiety is so very high at the thought of being without him.

I will tell you that your thoughts and reactions are not correct. And I wish I could help you replace them or help you think about this differently.

What I can tell you is that sometimes it's you, but SOMETIMES it's them. In this relationship, he is the one who has problems, and not you. You could be the most beautiful, the most intelligent, the most witty----the absolute most perfect person on the planet, but HE will remain the same with the same problems and issues...

Sometimes we can love someone, but we can't be in a relationship with them. He is your addiction.

I suggest you gather your friends around you for support. When you feel like you want to reach out to him, or to beg him to take you back or to tell him you'll take him back, reach out to your friends and ask for help to NOT do any of those things.

It really hurts, I know it does. I promise you though, if you stay away from him, your anxieties will lessen and lessen. You just have to get over that hump. Which will involve treating yourself kindly for a while (cry, eat, cry, scream, whatever you need to do)....

Be strong. Don't talk to him or text him or email. If he gets in touch with you somehow, just tell him you need time and that's all you need to say.

Keep talking here...