I'm off meds and life is quite honestly pretty rough. I don't work so I can live with relatively little stress, that's the only way I stay afloat. Self care is a full time job.

Lately I've been only slightly considering going to this inpatient facility near where I live, but I'm very scared to for a few reasons.

1) Previous traumatizing experiences in the psych ward
2) Extremely negative experiences with almost all meds that I've tried
3) Paranoia about doctors, psychiatry, hospitals and western medicine in general

Etc.

Also the fact that I'm worried I will lose the will to live without my manias. I mean really, for someone like me, what is the point of living without it? The whole world is grey when the mania leaves me.

Here is a list of meds I've tried: Lithium (the worst), Seroquel (made me hear a chorus of voices at high dose), Invega (gained 50 lbs), Risperdal, Abilify, Trileptal, the one that gave me hives all over my body, Haldol, and probably over a dozen more that I can't think of right now. I got so f*cking sick of the med merry go round that I just said screw it. None of them helped me anyways. And believe me, I was on them for years, plenty long enough for them to work. Are there any new meds on the market?

This is mostly a vent post, but I just don't really know what to do. If anyone can relate or has any helpful words of advice, would love to hear it. Thanks